


A tale as old as time

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, Illustrated, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:28:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: Locus is certain to his very bones that Felix has done this just to humiliate him.Hemight enjoy having a surprise hooker paid for the evening with him, but he can’t possibly be delusional enough to think that Locus would.





	A tale as old as time

**Author's Note:**

> The illustration was done by the awesome [whatevergetsyouoffatnight!](https://whatevergetsyouoffatnight.tumblr.com/) Check their stuff out!

Locus is certain to his very bones that Felix has done this just to humiliate him. _He_ might enjoy having a surprise hooker paid for the evening with him, but he can’t possibly be delusional enough to think that Locus would.

“You two crazy kids have fun now,” he drawls smugly, winks, and then disappears out of the door before Locus can stop him. He’s almost impressed that Felix contained his laughter long enough to escape.

Locus is left alone with _her._ The woman that he doesn’t know that has been paid by his partner to have sex with him tonight. He stares at her, frozen with fear in a way he never is on the battlefield.

She’s beautiful, really, but that somehow just makes it worse. Long, dark, wavy hair with a dyed blue streak in it. Black six inch heels. A bright yellow mini skirt. A fishnet top that he can clearly see her neon pink bra through. Sparkly, glossy, red lipstick. A lot of purple eyeshadow. She’s not even vaguely color coordinated, but it’s all terribly revealing in a way that flusters him even worse, and he’s already far too flustered for comfort.

Her expression could be described as ‘extremely pleasantly surprised’ as she sizes him up in turn.

“Okay, this night’s off to a way better start than I thought it would,” she says with a genuine grin. Locus is going to have to disappoint her. He is only equipped to handle social interactions that are the military chain of command, Siris or Felix, or murder. This is _awful._ She leans in conspiratorially. Even with the heels, she barely reaches his shoulders. “I was dreading having to fuck _that_ guy,” she says, a thumb hooked over her shoulder towards the closed door. She’s indicating Felix, who has already left.

Locus imagines the look on Felix’s face if he’d heard her say that, and a faint amused sound leaves him without him even meaning to, his hand coming up to cover the smile tugging at his lips. She smiles wider at him at the response.

“I mean, sometimes you can just _tell_ when someone’s bad in bed, you know?” she goes on, encouraged. “He had that ‘I don’t give a shit if you come’ look about him. Also, his face? _Meh.”_

Locus is not used to people shit talking Felix in front of him. He thinks people might think that he’d kill them for it or something, for some reason. This woman has zero such reservations though, apparently, and he has to bite his lower lip to stop from laughing because he’s supposed to be clearing the situation up for her here, not enjoying her company a surprising amount.

 _“Your_ face though,” she continues. She tips her head back and closes her eyes, as if in ecstasy, fanning herself with her hand. “Oh my god, talk about lady boner!”

The restrained laughter dies as she opens her eyes and gives him a look like she wants to devour him. His mouth suddenly feels very dry.

“I’d say I was shocked that you have to pay someone to fuck you, but you do seem pretty shy, mister hasn’t said a single word yet.”

The gravity of the situation reasserts itself in his mind. Social interactions. Awful. Right, he has to fix this.

“Locus,” he says, and he hates how stilted he sounds, and also now that he thinks about it giving her his name isn’t necessary either. It would be rude not to, though. “I’m Locus.”

She gives him another smile, not nasty or sly or mocking at all. She hands them out very easily, and it’s-- admirable, in a way. “I’m Kai!” she chirps. “I was thinking maybe I’d have like a fake sexy ‘lady of the night’ name, like Valencia or Orgasmina--”

“Wait, what?”

“--but I kept forgetting to respond to the fake sexy name, like why is this guy screaming Scarlet as he’s coming? _Rude?_ So I just go by Kai, it’s easier, and _I_ think it’s a sexy name, anyways.”

She finishes her baffling little stream of consciousness, and he’s left reeling just a bit, fumbling for his explanation.

“I can’t sleep with you,” he says, and has to briefly close his eyes at how much he just pained his soul with his own words.

“Broken dick?” she asks sympathetically, and he chokes. “It’s alright, lots of vets are like that but I know how to work around it, you don’t need to a have a boner to have a good time with me--”

She’s winking and it’s different from the way Felix winks. More salacious than teasing. It makes it harder for him to maintain eye contact. He doesn’t wonder why she knows that he’s a vet, he knows what he looks like. “I mean. I wasn’t the one who-- this is a surprise.”

She blinks at him for a moment, and then realization visibly dawns on her. “Ohhh. Surprise hooker for the awkward hottie from the well meaning friend!”

“Sure,” he says, even though he’d contest ‘well meaning friend’ if he was more up for it. He’d contest ‘awkward hottie’ as well but sometimes you just have to accept your flaws. Felix is always going to be the people person of their partnership. Also, he does have a good face so long as you ignore the scarring and ‘perpetual murder face’ he apparently has. “That.”

“Damn that trope,” she says, frowning. “I thought I was gonna get laid tonight.”

Locus feels guilty even though he knows he’s done nothing wrong. This is all Felix’s fault. “Have you been paid?”

“No,” she pouts. “He said I’d get it after the job. No wonder that douche was so insistent that I come on strong…”

Sometimes, Locus really does wonder why he works with Felix. “I’ll pay you. How much?” He reaches for his wallet, while not entirely sure what the average prices for a hooker are. It doesn’t matter, since he’s amassed a small fortune in his savings account by now. It just comes down to whether or not he’ll have to stop to visit an ATM first. Do hookers take cards?

She looks absolutely baffled by him. “You’ll pay me for what? _Nothing?”_

“For wasted time,” he corrects. “You could have found another customer while you were here with me.”

She smirks at him, still looking a little disbelieving. “On a Wednesday night? Not fucking likely.”

He opens his wallet and flashes all of the cash he has on him at her. “Is this enough?”

Her mouth falls open. He’s having kind of a hard time looking away from it, with that eye catching lipstick painted on.

“Dude,” she says, “are you _sure_ you don’t want for me to suck your dick?”

He clears his throat, his face heating up. Kai has a talent for catching him off guard. Or rather, cheerfully shoving him off guard. “I’m--”

“Because I _want_ to,” she interrupts his answer. “Just so you know. Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life and all that.” She scrunches up her face thoughtfully in a way that’s too cute for comfort. “Unless the person you’re doing isn’t all that attractive. I didn’t really think it through? But I don’t really mind and I’m good at it and the pay is decent.” The scrunchiness smoothes out to make way for another one of her friendly smiles. “And sometimes I do get to do someone attractive. That’s you,” she tacks on, in case he couldn’t connect the dots on his own.

Most people are more verbose than him, but it almost feels like every one of Kai’s responses is it’s own little story and he’s forgotten what he’d originally meant to say in the first place once she’s done.

He has a few hundred dollar bills in his hand, there’s a beautiful friendly woman in front of him who wants him, and he has nothing better to do with his evening. A tale as old as time, surely.

He could do it, he realizes. He could just say yes. It’d probably be pleasurable. He likes sex, even if he doesn’t go out of his way to have it as often as some others he could mention. It’d be efficient and practical, to just take this opportunity that has been practically shoved into his lap.

Even more shocking than realizing that he can say yes is the realization that he _wants_ to say yes.

“I,” he stumbles, because he’s never paid for this before, and even though the the course forward may seem clear and obvious and safe it still feels a bit… intimidating. Him. Intimidated by this short, plump woman with impractically long nails and heels. He has three different guns concealed on him right at this moment, goddamnit. He licks his lips and steels himself. “Maybe… yes. Okay.”

Smooth.

“Fuck yeah!” she cheers, grabs one of his wrists, and then high fives him. Locus stares, realizing that he was technically just seduced and it was the strangest seduction he’s ever been part of. She just _high fived_ him.

And then, with that same big enthusiastic smile, she takes a step so she’s inside his bubble, and she runs her hands up his chest and gives his pecs a squeeze as his hands are still full of wallet and money. She giggles, impish and unapologetic. “I wanted to do that since I saw you,” she confides.

Well, if that’s how they’re doing this. He drops his wallet and money to the floor to be taken care of later and buries his fingers in her hair because he’s been itching to do that as well. He leans down to kiss her, and he loves the way he can he feel her glossy lipstick smearing onto his lips. Her hands hook around the back of his neck to help her lean up on her toes to kiss him back, and he can feel the slight prick of her manicured nails against his skin. He wants those things raking down his back; he can already tell that it’ll feel _amazing._

He leans down a little further and scoops her up in his arms as easily as anything. Everyone he has ever slept with has been a big fan of this move. She squeals with delight and throws her arms around his neck and peppers the side of his face with half a dozen quick kisses before she starts sucking on his neck, and he carries her further into his apartment, towards his bedroom.

“This is the _best,”_ she says. “You’re the best.”

This isn’t the kind of dirty talk he’s used to. It just makes him want to make her as happy as she’s making him. He tips her onto the bed and she bounces a little. He focuses on unbuttoning his shirt with quick economical movements as she laughs and kicks her heels off.

Shirt off. Her own hands move towards her skirt, but rather than take it off she pushes it up, hooking her fingers underneath the waistband of her underwear, white and frilly and not matching her bra at all. She slides it off with a flirty look at him, and he has to remind himself that he doesn’t have to avert his gaze.

Shoes off. Belt off. She’s taken off her fishnet top, and she just takes her bra off over her head rather than bothering to unclip it. She’s just wearing her skirt and her makeup now, lipstick a little smeared at the corner, her hair a bit tussled from his hands. She sits up, her hand wrapped around her ankle as she lounges and looks at him with open admiration. He can’t get his pants off quickly enough, and as he does she throws herself back down onto the bed.

“Take my skirt off,” she says with a hot gleam in her eyes. She’d left it on for him.

He shivers a little at the order, and crawls onto the bed to her side, taking hold of the bottom of the clingy skirt. He slides it down her legs for her, and she lifts herself up a little here and there so he can, her legs going up at the end. He throws the small yellow scrap of fabric onto the floor with the rest of their clothes, and here they are. Naked together in his bed.

“Oh, before we start,” she says, and then she’s half off the bed, rifling through her clothes. She shoves a piece of paper full of tiny writing and a pen underneath his nose and says, “Sign this. If you don’t want to use a condom that’s totally fine, but you _will_ have to pay for the abortion and any doctors visits if anything results from it.”

He blinks at it, shoved off guard again. Somehow, he had not anticipated that foreplay with Kai would include paperwork.

“That’s… alright,” he says, gently pushing the contract away from himself. “That won’t be needed. I’m fine with using a condom.”

“Oh, alright,” she says, and tosses the pen and paperwork away like nothing happened. Where had she even had space for those things on her skimpy outfit? She does another dive for the floor and comes back up with a condom, a wink, and a cheeky grin. “Check this out.”

And then she rips the condom packet open with her teeth, pops it into her mouth, and goes for his dick. It’s well on its way towards a full erection, and she sinks her mouth down on it like it’s _easy_ to swallow the girth and length of him. His breath catches, his fingers tangling in the sheets.

She giggles and wipes at her mouth a little as she sits back up, the condom now rolled onto his dick with zero use of hands, further smearing her lipstick. It’s really starting to look rather messy. It’s a good look. “Learned that during a threesome with a couple of boyfriends. Cute guys!”

With a hand cradling the back of her head, he initiates another kiss, this one including far more tongue and heat. She makes him feel overly warm and like his skin is a size too small. She moans into the kiss, and lightly rakes her fingers over his scalp and down and through his hair, her other hand coming back up to his pec, thumb brushing over one nipple. Locus puts his other hand at the small of her back to pull her further towards himself, wanting for the two of them to be pressed up against each other.

She breaks the kiss with a gasp, hot breath washing over his lips. “Look,” she says, sounding a little dazed, “I can seriously appreciate a man that _gets_ foreplay, but I’m already so fucking wet. Get inside of me.”

It’s like there’s an electric thrill that runs up his spine every time she _tells_ him to do something, and before he knows it he’s thrown her onto her back across the sheets, like there’s nothing he wants to do more than follow orders. His hand goes underneath one of her knees, lifting it up, and he lines his dick up against her entrance.

“Fuck yes,” she hisses and bites her lips like she can’t wait. He doesn’t make her. He slides in, and he has to close his eyes at the pressure and the warmth of her. He goes in slowly, steadily, without stopping until he’s all the way in because she doesn’t tell him to stop. She just moans.

He gives her a moment to adjust, but she just opens the eyes that she’d closed in pleasure and gives him an impatient look and thrusts down onto him. “Get on with it,” she says, voice not entirely steady.

He inhales sharply and gets on with it. He thrusts up into her and she shouts delighted swears, shamelessly loud, and maybe it’s a good thing after all that his neighbours are a little scared of him because at least they won’t get complaints. He goes faster and harder at her urging until the bedsprings scream, until they’re both covered in sweat.

Sex has always felt good, but Kai, with all of her enthusiasm and excitement, feels _amazing._

“You’re beautiful,” he says, because he feels like he hasn’t said enough so far, and because she really is.

She laughs breathlessly, but not in a way that makes him think she’s laughing at him. She’s just enjoying herself. She’s just happy. It’s so… uncomplicated. He likes it.

“You too,” she says, and touches the side of his face with her hand, thumb stroking. “Fuck, I should’ve filmed this, I bet we look _gorgeous_ together.”

He likes how easily she takes the compliment, too. He wants to make her come.

He does so, thrusting until his abs ache and she tosses her head head back and _screams._

 _“Don’t stop don’t stop,”_ she says urgently, and so he doesn’t even though, god, it’s really starting to get hard to stop himself from coming too.

His hands rove over her body, and he likes the soft give of her. It’s not what he’s used to.

And then suddenly, like he’d idly fantasized about earlier, her long nails are raking down his back and he couldn’t stop himself for the life of him. He comes with a gasp, and she clenches down around him and cries out, and it feels amazing, incredible.

He grasps at the sheets and doesn’t breathe and she laughs with delight at the pleasure, and then he’s slowly sliding out.

“Aw,” she whines. “You gonna be good to go again in a bit?”

“Yes,” he says, because he wants to and she wants to and why the hell not? He can’t think of a single reason, right now.

He collapses onto the bed, and she giggles and cuddles him.

“I’m just gonna finger myself while you recover, alright?” she says.

His brain blanks out a little at the thought of just lying next to her while she plays with herself. That’s certainly one way to regain your boner quickly.

“Alright,” he says.

“The _best,”_ she says, and kisses him.

 

“So how was your ‘date’ last night?” Felix asks over his cup of coffee with that sharp smile that says he’s already pretty sure how it went.

“I told her to leave,” he lies.

He barks a laugh. “Too bad! Man, I was hoping she’d help remove that stick that’s shoved up your ass. She said she was fine with assplay.”

Oh, he knew she was. Locus opens his wallet and considers it. Empty of all cash but plus a piece of paper with a phone number and a heart scrawled on it, he looks up at the barista. “We’ll be paying with card.”


End file.
